It's not the end...yet

I was surprised by how much blood was gushing out of my heart. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, like when you try to wake up from a nightmare except that I was waking up to the nightmare. Three o'clock. I decided to get up.

I found a note pad and started writing. It took a while to get my thoughts in order but I only wrote down what absolutely had to be said. Seven o'clock. I headed out with the letter in an old, unused envelope. I wanted to get something from the store. A flower maybe (yes, cheesy but I was going all out on this). But I forgot the stores didn't open until ten on a Sunday...and I didn't want to wait.

The sun was shining but the residential street was still empty. Rob's bedroom curtains were still drawn so I knew he was still in bed. I walked up to the door as quietly as possible but his dog heard the footsteps and started barking. So I left the envelope in front of the door and walked away.

When I got home I tried to get some sleep again. There was nothing else to do. Church was definitely out of the question. My stomach was growling but I didn't want to eat. I felt like a zombie without purpose. I was ready to call in sick at work. I had never imagined that at the age of 25, I could still be in such a state because of someone. I was close to having a breakdown. What the fuck.

I was drifting in and out of sleep and making meaningless groaning noises like a proper psychiatric patient. He should have read it by now. He is not going to talk to me. Every minute felt like an hour because of the pain. At midday, my phone buzzed. I jumped up to read his message.

Hey Ethan, you are so sweet. This is nothing to do with anything you have said or anything you might have done. The L word as you put it came as a surprise but I'm old enough to deal with that :) You are a wonderful person well mannered, clever, polite, and bring a smile to my face every time I see you. Apologies for ignoring you. Please don't worry. I have a lot going on and I just need a little time to deal with some issues. I will explain soon. I'm probably going to go up to Scotland for a few days later in the week but will keep in touch. I hope that is ok. Feel free to message and I promise I will reply. Rob x

I was going to post about a hook-up

but I just realised I have messed up, when Rob ignored my fourth text in five days, and diverted my call to voicemail. It feels like my heart is being crushed by a ton of bricks. It feels like I have no strength in any of my bones.

I don't even know why I'm being ignored. His last text was "see you tomorrow night x".

I think he is scared of entering another relationship with a much younger guy, who will one day leave him for someone else, or a life somewhere else. But he can't find the courage to tell me to go away either. He is far too nice to do that. I don't know what happened in his previous relationship except that they were together for seven years. I can only imagine the feeling of being single again after seven years. Can I promise that it would never happen again if we were together? No. But I would try my hardest, given the chance. I am not just saying.

All because I texted the fucking L word. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish after twenty minutes of looking at the words I had pressed "delete" instead of "send", though every word was genuine.

It's not fair to end everything like this, even if it is to end. Not after he has stared into my eyes and told me not to feel lonely again. A few months after we first met I tried to stop seeing him. But he pleaded for me to stay. Is this fair?

I'm not ready to give up. Not until he tells me he never wants to see me again. I will leave him a card tomorrow - that's the least confrontational way I can think of to let him know how I feel. Dear anyone reading this - if you think I'm being stupid, please post a comment! If you think I'm going about it the wrong way, please post a comment! I am so lost and deflated I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.

Look away. This post is GAY!

He said "see you tomorrow night" but I was once again let down by his promise. It seems to be a recurring theme and it always happens like this.

I text him to say I'm coming over. He doesn't respond. I get annoyed. We don't speak/text for a week. I give up and say hi. He acts like nothing's happened.

I always find excuses for him like he's just useless at texting, or he's busy with his friend staying over. But the elephant in the room is that he couldn't care less about some kid who is only good for his physical needs.

I don't like writing about this because I don't like to come across as the nagging, clingy type. I'm not. I just need to adjust my expectations from an older man who doesn't want to deal with dating either.

When is it right to say the L word?

I am terrified of saying the word "love", or "I love you". It's almost like popping the question with a knee down.

At which point in a relationship should (or can) the L word be used? Is it when two people go from dating to a couple? Or not until you have had a few fights and you have accepted their flaws and the things they do that drive you insane but they will keep doing? Or only before you are about to propose something big like moving in together, getting married (or a threesome)?

Does it even need to be said anymore? I don't hear it that often in films, unless one of them is about to fall off a cliff and they just need to let the other one know, "that I love you. AHHhhhhhh..."

I have been seeing Rob regularly, about once a week (only because his shift times make it difficult). He is getting better at returning my texts. But we still haven't talked about the whole "being together" thing, or what we are supposed to be. We are as noncommittal as it gets. If we were not more than twenty years apart, we could be celebrating our one year anniversary now. I would have met more than just one of his friends and he would have sat next to me at the annual company do last month. Yes, I worry about what my friends and everyone else would think. But I still want to be with him all the time, do things for him and make him happy. I think that roughly matches the description of "love". I don't just "fancy" him, as they say. Fair?

I was going to see him tonight after his shift. He cancelled at the very last minute and suggested tomorrow night instead. "Tomorrow definitely :) xxxxxx" he texted.

"Xxx love you"

Yes it was my cowardly way. I cringed as I typed it because it felt so cliched and *serious* (serious voice). It still took me twenty minutes to finally put my finger on the "send" button. Fuck.

"Wow wasn't expecting that... Thanks:))) . See u tomorrow night x"

Fuck...Ok you know what, that's fine. At least now he knows.

Rocking the boat

It is safe to say that I have never been intimate with anyone for as long as I have with Rob. By intimate I mean fucking and spooning. No we don't fuck every time.

A month ago I heard a 50 year old lady caller on the radio telling the host about her and her 25 year old boyfriend. I cringed and texted Rob about it as a joke. He asked, does that mean you want to be my bf? We toy with the idea from time to time but I always change the subject because I am scared of making commitments that could one day be false.

Earlier this month when I heard there was a chance I might have to relocate to Birmingham for work with my company, I realised that it would be difficult to leave Rob. He didn't say anything about it over dinner. Birmingham is nice. You'd like it.

I think I have made the common young men's mistake and grown a bit attached. When I get to Rob's age, maybe I, too, will have accepted a way of life on my own with a couple of small animals and no one is indispensable. That's the difference between a 25 year old and a 40+ man.

All you cock experts out there

can you tell me whether this is a cut cock or uncut but with not much hood?

I can ride any size, motherfuckers.

Finally passed my motorbike test this week so now I can legally ride on any two-wheeled machines! It is not easy to pass the test here, especially when you look like a racer boy. The examiner failed me the first time on something he could have marked as a minor. But hey, when you come across a dickhead and you are in a powerless position, you just have to learn to swallow (your pride) and have another go.

The muscles on my arms tensed in excitement as I peeled the L plates off my little Honda 125. But to be honest I am bored of it now and I am hungry for power. The black bike is a YZF-R6. It gives me a boner every time but I wouldn't be able to afford the insurance at the moment. Rob is dead against the lime green but I think Kawasaki's are sweet - even their smaller bikes look hot. My search continues...