It's not the end...yet

I was surprised by how much blood was gushing out of my heart. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, like when you try to wake up from a nightmare except that I was waking up to the nightmare. Three o'clock. I decided to get up.

I found a note pad and started writing. It took a while to get my thoughts in order but I only wrote down what absolutely had to be said. Seven o'clock. I headed out with the letter in an old, unused envelope. I wanted to get something from the store. A flower maybe (yes, cheesy but I was going all out on this). But I forgot the stores didn't open until ten on a Sunday...and I didn't want to wait.

The sun was shining but the residential street was still empty. Rob's bedroom curtains were still drawn so I knew he was still in bed. I walked up to the door as quietly as possible but his dog heard the footsteps and started barking. So I left the envelope in front of the door and walked away.

When I got home I tried to get some sleep again. There was nothing else to do. Church was definitely out of the question. My stomach was growling but I didn't want to eat. I felt like a zombie without purpose. I was ready to call in sick at work. I had never imagined that at the age of 25, I could still be in such a state because of someone. I was close to having a breakdown. What the fuck.

I was drifting in and out of sleep and making meaningless groaning noises like a proper psychiatric patient. He should have read it by now. He is not going to talk to me. Every minute felt like an hour because of the pain. At midday, my phone buzzed. I jumped up to read his message.

Hey Ethan, you are so sweet. This is nothing to do with anything you have said or anything you might have done. The L word as you put it came as a surprise but I'm old enough to deal with that :) You are a wonderful person well mannered, clever, polite, and bring a smile to my face every time I see you. Apologies for ignoring you. Please don't worry. I have a lot going on and I just need a little time to deal with some issues. I will explain soon. I'm probably going to go up to Scotland for a few days later in the week but will keep in touch. I hope that is ok. Feel free to message and I promise I will reply. Rob x

I was going to post about a hook-up

but I just realised I have messed up, when Rob ignored my fourth text in five days, and diverted my call to voicemail. It feels like my heart is being crushed by a ton of bricks. It feels like I have no strength in any of my bones.

I don't even know why I'm being ignored. His last text was "see you tomorrow night x".

I think he is scared of entering another relationship with a much younger guy, who will one day leave him for someone else, or a life somewhere else. But he can't find the courage to tell me to go away either. He is far too nice to do that. I don't know what happened in his previous relationship except that they were together for seven years. I can only imagine the feeling of being single again after seven years. Can I promise that it would never happen again if we were together? No. But I would try my hardest, given the chance. I am not just saying.

All because I texted the fucking L word. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish after twenty minutes of looking at the words I had pressed "delete" instead of "send", though every word was genuine.

It's not fair to end everything like this, even if it is to end. Not after he has stared into my eyes and told me not to feel lonely again. A few months after we first met I tried to stop seeing him. But he pleaded for me to stay. Is this fair?

I'm not ready to give up. Not until he tells me he never wants to see me again. I will leave him a card tomorrow - that's the least confrontational way I can think of to let him know how I feel. Dear anyone reading this - if you think I'm being stupid, please post a comment! If you think I'm going about it the wrong way, please post a comment! I am so lost and deflated I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.

Look away. This post is GAY!

He said "see you tomorrow night" but I was once again let down by his promise. It seems to be a recurring theme and it always happens like this.

I text him to say I'm coming over. He doesn't respond. I get annoyed. We don't speak/text for a week. I give up and say hi. He acts like nothing's happened.

I always find excuses for him like he's just useless at texting, or he's busy with his friend staying over. But the elephant in the room is that he couldn't care less about some kid who is only good for his physical needs.

I don't like writing about this because I don't like to come across as the nagging, clingy type. I'm not. I just need to adjust my expectations from an older man who doesn't want to deal with dating either.

When is it right to say the L word?

I am terrified of saying the word "love", or "I love you". It's almost like popping the question with a knee down.

At which point in a relationship should (or can) the L word be used? Is it when two people go from dating to a couple? Or not until you have had a few fights and you have accepted their flaws and the things they do that drive you insane but they will keep doing? Or only before you are about to propose something big like moving in together, getting married (or a threesome)?

Does it even need to be said anymore? I don't hear it that often in films, unless one of them is about to fall off a cliff and they just need to let the other one know, "that I love you. AHHhhhhhh..."

I have been seeing Rob regularly, about once a week (only because his shift times make it difficult). He is getting better at returning my texts. But we still haven't talked about the whole "being together" thing, or what we are supposed to be. We are as noncommittal as it gets. If we were not more than twenty years apart, we could be celebrating our one year anniversary now. I would have met more than just one of his friends and he would have sat next to me at the annual company do last month. Yes, I worry about what my friends and everyone else would think. But I still want to be with him all the time, do things for him and make him happy. I think that roughly matches the description of "love". I don't just "fancy" him, as they say. Fair?

I was going to see him tonight after his shift. He cancelled at the very last minute and suggested tomorrow night instead. "Tomorrow definitely :) xxxxxx" he texted.

"Xxx love you"

Yes it was my cowardly way. I cringed as I typed it because it felt so cliched and *serious* (serious voice). It still took me twenty minutes to finally put my finger on the "send" button. Fuck.

"Wow wasn't expecting that... Thanks:))) . See u tomorrow night x"

Fuck...Ok you know what, that's fine. At least now he knows.

Rocking the boat

It is safe to say that I have never been intimate with anyone for as long as I have with Rob. By intimate I mean fucking and spooning. No we don't fuck every time.

A month ago I heard a 50 year old lady caller on the radio telling the host about her and her 25 year old boyfriend. I cringed and texted Rob about it as a joke. He asked, does that mean you want to be my bf? We toy with the idea from time to time but I always change the subject because I am scared of making commitments that could one day be false.

Earlier this month when I heard there was a chance I might have to relocate to Birmingham for work with my company, I realised that it would be difficult to leave Rob. He didn't say anything about it over dinner. Birmingham is nice. You'd like it.

I think I have made the common young men's mistake and grown a bit attached. When I get to Rob's age, maybe I, too, will have accepted a way of life on my own with a couple of small animals and no one is indispensable. That's the difference between a 25 year old and a 40+ man.

I can ride any size, motherfuckers.

Finally passed my motorbike test this week so now I can legally ride on any two-wheeled machines! It is not easy to pass the test here, especially when you look like a racer boy. The examiner failed me the first time on something he could have marked as a minor. But hey, when you come across a dickhead and you are in a powerless position, you just have to learn to swallow (your pride) and have another go.

The muscles on my arms tensed in excitement as I peeled the L plates off my little Honda 125. But to be honest I am bored of it now and I am hungry for power. The black bike is a YZF-R6. It gives me a boner every time but I wouldn't be able to afford the insurance at the moment. Rob is dead against the lime green but I think Kawasaki's are sweet - even their smaller bikes look hot. My search continues...

Resurfacing

I know I know. Where the fuck have I been right? I haven't been away (not the reason for disappearing anyway). Not been straightened. No life-event posts on Facebook. No car crash. No fuck all. And it is exactly because my numbers have not been increasing that I don't know if I should post...about life's routine?

I don't keep a record but if I drew a cumulative chart for the number of cocks I have had an affair with over time, I am on a plateau now longer than ever before. When I was a uni student, there would have been a commendable uphill slope, accelerated with Grindr's gain in momentum. Then when I got my car, it probably shot up like Apple's share price at the time. My car also took me to Rob's house on the opposite side of town.

Some kind of relationship has built up between Rob and I like cobwebs when nobody was watching, without a single date or any words of commitment ever being said. I have also become a regular at the glory hole. The smokey lad would call once in a while too. With a few tried-and-tested buddies like them on speed dial I have become...more fussy with picking men for a local hook up. I still go on Grindr all the time but this is only a town rather than a city - everyone has already tried it with almost everyone else in their league or above. I don't say yes to just anyone with a functioning cock anymore. The desperate bottom-or-die urge also comes less often for some unknown reason.

Should I be concerned?

Hello hello hello

Don't worry I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I was ill the week before. Then been busy with work and gym and life in general. You know the drill. That's why you're a blog reader rather than a stupid blog writer. 

We had the longest heat wave in (insert correct statistics) years. I went over to Rob's one night. In the middle of the night he got up and went downstairs to sleep in the living room instead because it was so warm.

Here is my hot neighbour again. He pulled up outside my window on Friday and kept making phone calls/looking at a camcorder in his car. I got stalkerish - FYI, he was wearing lycra shorts under a pair of sports shorts.

The world famous gay club on a shit regular Saturday night

Saturday night, London, Heaven, apparently THE gay club to go to. I had only heard of this place before. My mate who is bi and just split up with his four-year girlfriend wanted to go and we went with a few of his friends too.

It was fun for the first 2-3 hours. We drank and we danced and all. But when the alcohol started to wear off and my blood sugar dropped I couldn't ignore the staring eyes anymore - the men standing on the side with drink in hand, scanning for the next pair of eyes that stared back. The DJ was no good either, using the monotonous, half-hearted drum and bass tracks to mix with pop songs. No wonder people had to take drugs in this place to get high. The place just didn't live up to its reputation. Maybe we picked a shit night to go.

"Did your top come off?" Rob texted.

There were a lot of gay boys (and men) breaking it down with their tops off, some in better shapes than the others. But I wasn't one of them. Firstly because I am quite self conscious even after a few drinks. Secondly the more skin you show the more desperate you look. And thirdly I couldn't do it when my mate, who I've known for ten years, was there.

No I didn't cop off with a random. A year ago I would have made that the main objective and done the scanning thing on the dance floor. I think I find people more attractive when they don't look so...full of lust. One of the friends of my friend was a little Italien lady who didn't speak much English and wasn't into the music so she was standing on the side a lot. But every now and then some guy would come up to talk to her because she looked a bit lost. Those were the ones I wanted to pull to the side and suck on their faces.

Like an unsuspecting fish

It's definitely not the first time that Rob has gone radio silent for days. He doesn't text back. He doesn't show up on Grindr. He doesn't go on the other (cruising) website where we first met. Although we are not in a relationship, I think about him a lot and every time he goes AWOL I wonder if something has happened to him. The night before he was still telling me about policing at Wimbledon and saying we will def meet up tomorrow night.

Four days later, Rob shows up on the website with a randy status, looking for sex. It would appear that he's not dead after all. I have no problem with him shagging whoever. But I am really struggling to understand what's on his mind.

Is he trying to keep me at a distance to prevent anything from developing? The gap in age between us is a very good reason why a relationship might be unrealistic. But he is the one who's talked about taking me to his favourite restaurant. He is the one who's bought me something from the shop. He is the one who's made me breakfast. Now he's got me on the hook.

My little brain cannot make sense of the signals. But I'm not going to ask him when I see him next, because I don't want him to think that I'm getting all serious and worked up. Life wouldn't be so stressful if I could find someone my age, or more straight forward.

It's not exactly Da Vinci code, is it

I was in bed with Rob the other night. My skin against his and with every breath, chest rising and falling rhythmically but slowly, as I fell asleep.

*  *  *

I was with an older guy. His face did not remind me of any particular person I knew. We had been together for a while. But the problem was, quite frankly, that I didn't find him attractive anymore for some reason. It wasn't a conscious decision to be seeking out faults or to turn cold. I wasn't seeing somebody else. Just the way it had turned out. I felt bad because he obviously still liked me a lot and I didn't know how to tell him. I could not stay with someone I had no feelings for, but I had no idea how to get away either. It felt heavy. I didn't want to hurt anyone. What do I do?

*  *  *

My eyes reacted to the morning light seeping through the curtains and I was awake. Took a few seconds to remember where I was, and who I was with. But I felt relieved and snuggled up against Rob.

Don't get me wrong. We are both still single.

"Were you expecting an exploding gun?"

If you could imagine for a second, James Bond with the new Q...together. Does it feel a bit wrong? I don't know. But that's how I would describe the contrast / mismatch between Rob and I.

His eyes actually look like Daniel Craig's, on a slightly nicer face with the same hair, but obviously nowhere as built as the MI6 agent. He is all the action (as a policeman) and I am all the brain. Just imagine the horror on Judi Dench's face when she finds out.

(In case anyone was wondering, my dad is alive and well, and never abused me as a child.)

Safe-for-work post: Scottish Highlands

I was away during the weekend - turned my back on the sunny South for the cold and wet Scotland. It was still amazing.

I grew up in a busy city. Perhaps that's why I find the nature so attractive and fascinating. It was my first time to Scotland and sure enough I will be back.

There were seven of us including Phil. Nothing happened between us. The more time I spent with him the more certain I was that he was straight and not my type anyway, which was great because otherwise he would have occupied my thoughts all the time and ruined the trip for me. We're still good friends.

I like the Scottish accent. It's not sexy but still nicer than any English accent. Rob is Scottish but he has very little accent. I just thought he was from up North until I saw the tartan attributed to his surname.

Glen Coe - remember the scene from Skyfall?

Approaching the summit of Ben Nevis

I am waiting for the day he says no

Apparently Rob was on Grindr twenty minutes ago. But he hasn't replied to the text I sent yesterday... Meh. Older men are flakey anyway.

If I text him and he's at work / in bed, he always replies when his shift is over or when he sees the message. I read on another blog that young men need to be the ones doing the pursuing. It doesn't seem fair but four out of five times it was indeed me who sent the first message.

Funny because a few months ago, when it was still a purely physical relationship (i.e. he messaged me, we fucked, I didn't know his name, he didn't know mine) I tried to walk away. After a few times of refusing his invitation to go to his place with different excuses, he got the idea and said if I wasn't interested anymore I could tell him but it would be a shame, because he felt there was chemistry between us. At that time, I wasn't interested in anyone - I wasn't even interested in sex for some unknown reasons. But now I feel like the table has turned.

We started out having anonymous sex

We haven't texted each other since Tuesday. But it's cool. I'm not pulling my hair out. After all, we are not in a relationship. We haven't even gone on a single date. Only the strange thing is he has already given me his house key, although I have only used it once to lock up.

I am an adult. I can manage just sleeping with him sometimes when his shifts are not at stupid hours. We don't need to be constantly texting like the young ones.

I am ok with the current state which is a big blur of undefined possibilities and feelings, if that makes any sense at all. Neither of us seems to be in a rush to clear the haze to see where we are. All I know is Rob likes me. And I like him too. 

But I am careful with (not) getting attached. If he finds someone else tomorrow I would feel shit for a day or two then move on. So maybe it's best that we stay where we are. It's damage limitation.

In control

I have mentioned this older guy before (in this post) who I have started to see regularly, about once a week. But in the beginning when we met anonymously and just fucked in the dark, I wanted his cock and nothing more. After blowing my load I'd always just want to get up and go although he'd want to cuddle for a bit which I found a bit uncomfortable. Then it all changed when I started to see him as a person.

But one thing that hasn't changed is that he likes to be in control in bed. Sometimes he takes my hand off my cock to make sure I'm not enjoying myself too much. And when he wants me to cum he'd always pin my hands down above my head with one hand and, with his spit in the other, stroke my cock until I blow and I can't do anything to stop him.

I think he likes to be dominant that's why he's a copper.

No strings...?

A whole week without new posts! Man I'm already slacking.

My phone is dead. I don't know if it's ever going to come back to life. It's an HTC and I drowned it when I pushed a pillow out of bed and tipped over a glass of water. It wasn't my bed I was in.

I met this guy in summer last year. He is about fifteen years old...er than me. And quite a bit taller. In the beginning I only went to his house for hard sex. No lights. No names. No chat. Never thought I'd one day wake up in his bed just because I wanted to sleep with him. Very odd.

No, we are not in a relationship. It feels good when we're together but we have just started to get to know each other (when we are in bed but not at it).