"Hi."

Hi Brad,

How are you? :)

I saw you last night, in my sleep. You were only a few feet away but you didn't see me. I stood there, wanting to call but there were people around you. I was a bit scared.

I am doing great. It's good in a way to be back to the work routine and work is actually not too routine. You are on my mind every day. I don't think about it - but there is always something that makes me think of you.

Take care

Yours

Ethan xxx

*

He never replied. He wants me to just forget about him.

I have come to terms with the fact that our week together was just...a moment when two parallel lives intersected. My feelings were real but I was not in a position to ask for anything more. I only sent the email to provoke a response. He couldn't even reply to tell me what's been going on in his life - like I were a healing wound that he knew not to touch. He is a softie. I will leave him alone.

Or did it happen the other way round?

To be continued

They must be back in New York by now.

I had the chance to see Brad once last time before he left but I didn’t. I didn’t want him to feel any worse. I pray that God gives him all the goodness he deserves.

>…the thought of your gentle smile and warm heart torment me because my actions and desires are not mine to give at this time…
> I have had more than I could ask for in the last couple of weeks.

While Brad was on a plane, I sweated through the night with a fever. I sent Craig an email to ask for forgiveness but I couldn't promise never to let Brad touch my heart again. I couldn't.

> It's not supposed to happen this way...

Brad is the sweetest man. Physically he is not at all the type I go for - I have the commercialised view of beauty which means a full head of hair, tallish, athletic build. He doesn't tick the boxes (except his package which is in a league of its own, hence "the Range Rover").

As I get to know him a little more, I am captivated by his heart of gold. He is an artist but he is nothing like the pretentious London hipsters who criticise everyone and everything. The way he sees beauty in the things he likes is unique and inspiring. I think he also sees a lot in me that I don't.

What I see is that when he smiles his eyes pull you in and there is no escape. Like the ocean, so deep, powerful and yet so very gentle.

Sorry this is all very cliched I know. I am an engineer. I can't piss poetry on demand. But every word is true.

We become intimate very quickly in our texts. I am counting the number of days before I can ask about the next stay-over, to avoid sounding too desperate. I manage to see him every other day but he would always have something on in the evening, and he would always ask me to forgive him. Five days after our night together he has to bail again.

> Don't feel bad.

> I feel bad for reasons we should discuss face to face. I am twisted in a knot thinking about you.

I know I have jumped into something I cannot easily get out of. But I didn't realise Brad is also stuck. It's not supposed to happen like this. I am only meant to be a friend with benefits. Craig is the reason we even come to know each other. That night, we are in our own beds but neither of us get to sleep much.

I keep telling myself that it's just a phase. It's just a phase. We finally meet up again at his work place, in a little office with three desks. It's relatively quiet on a Sunday. Brad says he doesn't trust his or my feelings at the moment, although he doesn't understand why over the years he still thinks about me. The reality is our lives are in different places in the world.  So there is no point in trying or even thinking. I know that. And we talk some more.

I feel a lot better after that. At least the outcome is not "let's not see or talk to each other again". He walks me to the bus stop in the rain. We hold each other's eyes for the last time before the bus pulls away and crawls into the city lights.

--------------------

I should probably mention our fuck in the office. Fighting against our feelings is futile. There are no blinds on the windows so I have to believe nobody is watching. The room is also lacking in furniture. I straddle him on the office chair which I think would break if I put my whole weight on it. That or Brad's legs. We go bareback (which is very irresponsible and stupid, I know) because we don't have anything. I am surprised that it works and it wasn't painful. When I come he takes it in his mouth but even after that I don't want him to pull out. So he carries on, until he gets close. I honestly enjoy every second when we are connected and I will try my hardest to never forget it.

How it started less than a week ago

I must have really left an impression on Brad. He carried on sending me messages saying how he’d like to spend more time with me next time I was back in town, and I would be welcome to stay in their apartment in Manhattan if I ever went. I thought it was the polite thing to say.

July 2012, I am in New York for just over a week to see the city and a friend who is there for business. But for the first few days I choose to stay at Craig and Brad’s apartment. They are both supposed to be back here in New York for a few weeks but apparently Brad is delayed by some last minute errands. Craig goes to his office in the morning and doesn’t usually come back until late evening. He is always sweet and treats me like a friend. Nothing more. We have sex once - not sure if he is actually keen or just doesn't want to reject me. I never see Brad or even speak to him over the phone. He is still pretty much just someone-I-met-once. But I am immensely grateful for their generosity and trust as a couple.

A month ago, I send Brad a Facebook message about my upcoming trip, addressed to both of them. A few days after touching down, I am invited over for dinner. We talk and drink until the wee hours, before our clothes come off. Like last time, Craig is happy to just watch sometimes while stroking himself. There was a lot of kissing and fucking but mostly only between Brad and I. I have a Range Rover up my back end and it seems to have endless stamina. Eventually, in a straddling position, I shoot all over Brad’s body up to his shoulder. And the sight of it sends Craig over the edge too.

Three men in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s share a bed that night. Brad and I are spooning all night but separate from Craig – I think he’d rather be left alone to get some sleep.

The next morning, after breakfast, Craig leaves for work. Brad and I end up in bed again. We make out and he tells me about how good it felt last night, how much he adores me, over and over again like he can’t help himself.

The Range Rovers from New York

So I’ve taken a few weeks off work to visit my birth place, to get away from the cold and to see my friends and family. Despite the travelling costs and difficulty with taking such a long time off work, I try to visit regularly which is why I still have friends in the city. Near the top of the list of people I have to (and want to) see are Craig and Brad – a couple of expats from New York.

A few years ago I met Craig when I was in town on a visit. We hooked up and he was amazing and his kindness made him even more attractive. Unlike most I had shared a bed with, Craig was actually interested in me as a person rather than a nameless device of pleasure. At that time I wasn’t used to the idea of a sexual relationship with anything more. I knew he had a partner so it wasn’t “that”. It was slightly confusing but I enjoyed his company and really appreciated his attention – I didn’t quite understand why a good looking, clever and successful man would bother taking an uninteresting, awkward sounding (I probably stammered in front of him) student to one of his favourite noodle bars.

Craig told his partner Brad about me and we exchanged a few messages online. Brad was between Craig and I in age. I don’t remember the details but he always sounded very polite and said he was keen to meet me. About a couple of summers ago (roughly…my memory is shocking for a 20 something) I was back again and finally got to meet Brad and Craig together at their place. They were both incredibly nice and welcoming which I thought was a bit strange to see it from Brad – because I kinda had sex with his partner, you know. But he was sweet and gave me his full attention. Brad was about my size. They were hot and both had amazing drives. If I were a Polo (and I was no stranger to nice saloons) they would be Range Rovers – two of them, fucking my brains out. I kept looking to Craig for reassurance like a baby that got handed over to a stranger. It was my first non-1-on-1 experience.