It's not the end...yet

I was surprised by how much blood was gushing out of my heart. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, like when you try to wake up from a nightmare except that I was waking up to the nightmare. Three o'clock. I decided to get up.

I found a note pad and started writing. It took a while to get my thoughts in order but I only wrote down what absolutely had to be said. Seven o'clock. I headed out with the letter in an old, unused envelope. I wanted to get something from the store. A flower maybe (yes, cheesy but I was going all out on this). But I forgot the stores didn't open until ten on a Sunday...and I didn't want to wait.

The sun was shining but the residential street was still empty. Rob's bedroom curtains were still drawn so I knew he was still in bed. I walked up to the door as quietly as possible but his dog heard the footsteps and started barking. So I left the envelope in front of the door and walked away.

When I got home I tried to get some sleep again. There was nothing else to do. Church was definitely out of the question. My stomach was growling but I didn't want to eat. I felt like a zombie without purpose. I was ready to call in sick at work. I had never imagined that at the age of 25, I could still be in such a state because of someone. I was close to having a breakdown. What the fuck.

I was drifting in and out of sleep and making meaningless groaning noises like a proper psychiatric patient. He should have read it by now. He is not going to talk to me. Every minute felt like an hour because of the pain. At midday, my phone buzzed. I jumped up to read his message.

Hey Ethan, you are so sweet. This is nothing to do with anything you have said or anything you might have done. The L word as you put it came as a surprise but I'm old enough to deal with that :) You are a wonderful person well mannered, clever, polite, and bring a smile to my face every time I see you. Apologies for ignoring you. Please don't worry. I have a lot going on and I just need a little time to deal with some issues. I will explain soon. I'm probably going to go up to Scotland for a few days later in the week but will keep in touch. I hope that is ok. Feel free to message and I promise I will reply. Rob x

I was going to post about a hook-up

but I just realised I have messed up, when Rob ignored my fourth text in five days, and diverted my call to voicemail. It feels like my heart is being crushed by a ton of bricks. It feels like I have no strength in any of my bones.

I don't even know why I'm being ignored. His last text was "see you tomorrow night x".

I think he is scared of entering another relationship with a much younger guy, who will one day leave him for someone else, or a life somewhere else. But he can't find the courage to tell me to go away either. He is far too nice to do that. I don't know what happened in his previous relationship except that they were together for seven years. I can only imagine the feeling of being single again after seven years. Can I promise that it would never happen again if we were together? No. But I would try my hardest, given the chance. I am not just saying.

All because I texted the fucking L word. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish after twenty minutes of looking at the words I had pressed "delete" instead of "send", though every word was genuine.

It's not fair to end everything like this, even if it is to end. Not after he has stared into my eyes and told me not to feel lonely again. A few months after we first met I tried to stop seeing him. But he pleaded for me to stay. Is this fair?

I'm not ready to give up. Not until he tells me he never wants to see me again. I will leave him a card tomorrow - that's the least confrontational way I can think of to let him know how I feel. Dear anyone reading this - if you think I'm being stupid, please post a comment! If you think I'm going about it the wrong way, please post a comment! I am so lost and deflated I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.