but I just realised I have messed up, when Rob ignored my fourth text in five days, and diverted my call to voicemail. It feels like my heart is being crushed by a ton of bricks. It feels like I have no strength in any of my bones.
I don't even know why I'm being ignored. His last text was "see you tomorrow night x".
I think he is scared of entering another relationship with a much younger guy, who will one day leave him for someone else, or a life somewhere else. But he can't find the courage to tell me to go away either. He is far too nice to do that. I don't know what happened in his previous relationship except that they were together for seven years. I can only imagine the feeling of being single again after seven years. Can I promise that it would never happen again if we were together? No. But I would try my hardest, given the chance. I am not just saying.
All because I texted the fucking L word. I wish I hadn't done it. I wish after twenty minutes of looking at the words I had pressed "delete" instead of "send", though every word was genuine.
It's not fair to end everything like this, even if it is to end. Not after he has stared into my eyes and told me not to feel lonely again. A few months after we first met I tried to stop seeing him. But he pleaded for me to stay. Is this fair?
I'm not ready to give up. Not until he tells me he never wants to see me again. I will leave him a card tomorrow - that's the least confrontational way I can think of to let him know how I feel. Dear anyone reading this - if you think I'm being stupid, please post a comment! If you think I'm going about it the wrong way, please post a comment! I am so lost and deflated I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.