I was surprised by how much blood was gushing out of my heart. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, like when you try to wake up from a nightmare except that I was waking up to the nightmare. Three o'clock. I decided to get up.
I found a note pad and started writing. It took a while to get my thoughts in order but I only wrote down what absolutely had to be said. Seven o'clock. I headed out with the letter in an old, unused envelope. I wanted to get something from the store. A flower maybe (yes, cheesy but I was going all out on this). But I forgot the stores didn't open until ten on a Sunday...and I didn't want to wait.
The sun was shining but the residential street was still empty. Rob's bedroom curtains were still drawn so I knew he was still in bed. I walked up to the door as quietly as possible but his dog heard the footsteps and started barking. So I left the envelope in front of the door and walked away.
When I got home I tried to get some sleep again. There was nothing else to do. Church was definitely out of the question. My stomach was growling but I didn't want to eat. I felt like a zombie without purpose. I was ready to call in sick at work. I had never imagined that at the age of 25, I could still be in such a state because of someone. I was close to having a breakdown. What the fuck.
I was drifting in and out of sleep and making meaningless groaning noises like a proper psychiatric patient. He should have read it by now. He is not going to talk to me. Every minute felt like an hour because of the pain. At midday, my phone buzzed. I jumped up to read his message.
Hey Ethan, you are so sweet. This is nothing to do with anything you have said or anything you might have done. The L word as you put it came as a surprise but I'm old enough to deal with that :) You are a wonderful person well mannered, clever, polite, and bring a smile to my face every time I see you. Apologies for ignoring you. Please don't worry. I have a lot going on and I just need a little time to deal with some issues. I will explain soon. I'm probably going to go up to Scotland for a few days later in the week but will keep in touch. I hope that is ok. Feel free to message and I promise I will reply. Rob x