Chat up Tuesday

Do you live on a chicken farm? Well, you sure know how to raise cocks.

The exhibitionist

Admittedly, I like camming. I'm talking about logging onto a chatroom and letting everyone watch you having a good time with yourself. It's more fun than having a wank on your own with a couple of porn videos (which are so boring they send me to sleep), and less effort than trying to find a hook up on Grindr.

Sometimes there would be one or two other hot guys on cam which is great. But I don't mind if they are out of shape or old enough to be my granddad because I don't have to watch their cams. There is no physical contact with them either so they are just a list of usernames. You could imagine them all looking like fitness models or celebrities or football players if that works for you.

I get turned on when guys talk dirty so that's one of the reasons for getting off in a chatroom. The more details the better. I know they are watching me when they talk to me on the message board, or when I am the only open cam in the room and there is a steady rise in the number of logged on users. It's funny to see the different characters from the way they "talk" - most guys are respectful but sometimes there are cyber bitch-fights and they turn it right off for everyone else in the room. Or once in a while I would come across someone with a similar sense of humour and we know we'd be buddies in real life - until we realise we are on opposite sides of the world. (Get the violins out.)

The interactions are never the same and that's part of the fun. AND I love the reactions when I...fire the shots. It was from these comments that I realised I am a bit unusual in terms of volume and distance (not sure why that would be an advantage but hey) especially if I haven't popped a nut for a day. They seem impressed and I take a figurative bow.

The fatherhood love thing

This is going to sound weird but I actually like children.

My colleague's 5 year-old daughter was having a birthday party and I promised to help her out with preparing food. Sometimes I'd stay over at hers after a night out or a work trip so I already knew her daughter, who's always been a sweet, miniature version of my colleague. But there were a LOT more children at this party, from toddlers that just started walking to kids probably old enough to tell you a secret function on your iphone you didn't know before. The house was definitely too small for the number of people invited so I tried to sit somewhere out of the way when I wasn't doing much and the parents were mainly chatting in Spanish. Sounds like an awkward situation but it wasn't too bad because I was looking at the kids. Kids are funny - especially when they have a pirate's bandana and eye-patch painted on their face or are simply looking confused like they have just woken up and found themselves surrounded by giants. I find it hilarious.

Most guys at my age, gay or not, are not so keen on children. Like my swimming coach, who is the nicest guy ever but is also clueless about the little people. But it wasn't the first time that I wish I could have a normal family and have one or two...boys, preferably. I think part of the reason is that I want to be a better dad than my own. My dad is not horrible to me. He worked hard and provided for the family. But we never really bonded and sometimes I am jealous of the close father-son relationship that others have. I know I'm not the only one - it's more like a generation thing I think. The emphasis on baby-bonding with dads only started about a decade ago, if that. So it's my time to take up the challenge.

But back in reality, I am not exactly eligible for the best-dad-in-the-world mug. I shall move on.

Working in the closet

I have never told anyone at work that I am gay, not even the few I have becomes close friends with. I don't feel the need to "come out" but if they were to ask, I'd probably just say yes. But it's not obvious at all except that I don't have a girlfriend. Sometimes I wish I were camp so people wouldn't assume you were straight.

But growing up as a gay kid and afraid of people finding out, because of my traditional Christian background, I learnt to conceal everything so the floppy wrist does not exist anymore, among other "signs". I have nothing against camp guys - in fact sometimes I am attracted to guys who are a bit flamboyant - but being camp wouldn't be an advantage when you work in the butch industry that is engineering. If you are a dude and you want people to take you seriously on a construction site, you need to throw on the muddy boots and talk like a beer-drinking nose-picking football fan. The workers would even be more sympathetic if you screw up occasionally - after all you are just an ordinary man. But I don't pretend to admire the saucy calendars or the page-three girls when I see them in the site canteen because that's not necessary. And I don't want someone to say to me one day "Hey I thought you were into girls!" and I'd feel like a big liar.

I am not saying being masculine is the only way to survive as a male engineer. And you shouldn't change the way you are if you are comfortable with it. But I want to be known as the bright, hardworking engineer rather than the gay one.

Mr Hot Dad

There is a fairly regular turnover at my office with the placement students, people relocating, opportunities and so on. Like in most medium size offices.

A week ago, this new guy started working at a desk about twenty feet away from mine and I couldn't stop stealing peeks at him. He is about my height, very good looking with rusty brown hair, a medium weight overall beard and likes wearing stripy shirts - to make him look slimmer I'm guessing. He has the chest depth of a body builder's and his stomach does not stick out, but I know it's not a six-pack under that shirt because he has just returned from paternity sabbatical! I guess that's why he seems really friendly.

Last Friday as I was packing up, out of nowhere, he said bye to me when he walked past. Then today, he actually introduced himself! Well, he spoke to my boss first who was sitting next to me; and he thought I might be working with them on a project. Of course I acted like all chilled out and cool, resisting the urge to put my hand on the back of his neck and pull myself toward his lips. I had no idea about this project but MAN I wanted to work with him. Or for him.

(...or on him.)

Signals at the gym

It doesn't look like the snow is going to stop anytime soon. So I thought might as well start setting up this blog and get used to posting regularly.

I was at the gym this morning. The gym that I go to is clean, well maintained and has a good range of equipment so I always go before it gets busy or after the office workers have left if on a weekday.

You know when you are at the gym, you are in your own world most of the time (unless someone catches your attention and you sneak a few peeks when nobody is looking). Sometimes there are the eye contacts which are either acknowledging or just a blank stare. But there are also the less subtle looks as I have started to notice.

I was walking behind a row of cardio machines lined along the full length windows and a few of them were being used. While my mind was still in another world this guy on the treadmill turned and looked at me for half a second and I looked at him. He was roughly the same height as me, probably in his early 30's, and was good looking. Maybe he meant to look at the spinning room behind me when he turned, but it was also an obvious way to catch someone's attention. Anyway I didn't think much of it. Then after a while when I was resting on a resistance machine, he walked past and shot me a glance as he passed in front of me and off the to changing room. Now that felt like he wanted me to know he was checking me out.

If he weren't wearing a purple top (the sports kind, but still), maybe I wouldn't be so sure.

The generic first post

Here we go.

I am a young man living life in the UK. I am a budding engineer graduated from university just over a year ago. I am gay, single, and am half way between in and out of the closet. I was brought up in a traditional Christian family and although people say God hates fags, I don't hold a grudge. He might even love me for who I am.

This blog is here to document my thoughts and help me figure out where I am going with my personal life - the second life that no one really knows about. The great thing about blogging is, as I have realised from reading other people's blogs, that you can be completely honest without feeling mega paranoid. Hopefully, a handful of people will find this blog interesting and keep me sane. Good luck to me.

Warning: There will be sexual stuff in my posts - because it is part of my life. 

Call me Ethan. :)