We started out having anonymous sex

We haven't texted each other since Tuesday. But it's cool. I'm not pulling my hair out. After all, we are not in a relationship. We haven't even gone on a single date. Only the strange thing is he has already given me his house key, although I have only used it once to lock up.

I am an adult. I can manage just sleeping with him sometimes when his shifts are not at stupid hours. We don't need to be constantly texting like the young ones.

I am ok with the current state which is a big blur of undefined possibilities and feelings, if that makes any sense at all. Neither of us seems to be in a rush to clear the haze to see where we are. All I know is Rob likes me. And I like him too. 

But I am careful with (not) getting attached. If he finds someone else tomorrow I would feel shit for a day or two then move on. So maybe it's best that we stay where we are. It's damage limitation.

Feline friends

Ever since I was a kid I have always wanted a dog. But somehow I am now stuck with a cat. My tom is three, black and white and pretty big. Big like he can take on any of the local cats. Big but not fat - I wouldn't let him get fat.

I'm not one of those cat lovers though who have pictures of cats as their computer background, who go "aww" at the first sight of a stray and start talking to them like they understood human speech. You wouldn't have guessed I am a cat owner. I still want a dog. But I had a weak moment and took this one home.

He has the character of an unruly, boisterous teenager, which can be a real pain sometimes and I see why people have rejected him. He has a patch of black around his nose too which is not very attractive. But being led to believe you can expect to be loved and then rejected, that is the worse feeling. Not even a cat deserves that.

Good thing he's pretty

When a brainless person is bloated with shallowness and arrogance, you get good entertainment (until you are bored of it after ten minutes). Ryan Lochte is so much hotter than Phelps. But he will never become a hero and inspiration for young swimmers like Michael has.

Shop boy

A couple of months ago when I was shopping at one of the local supermarkets, I thought I recognised a member of staff - someone I had met online and hooked up with about half a year ago. He was 20, tall, cute but still looked like a teenager which was not exactly my type. And it wasn't a particularly steamy session either. He was nervous and we ended up just sucking and wanking. And we never messaged each other again after that. Looked like he had found himself a job.

Although I almost instantly recognised him at the supermarket (his long fringe had made an impression), I didn't want him to recognise me and think I was some sort of stalker so I quickly finished my shopping and left. But since then, I have probably seen him every other time I went to that supermarket and we have made eye contact a few times despite my best efforts to avoid it. And when we did I just carried on like I had never met him - I even started to believe it.

Yesterday I was standing in the line for the self-checkout machines when I saw the conveyor belt next to us was actually empty. So I moved to the human checkout and oh crap, it was him. Ok don't react. He said hi in the standard customer service tone and I said hi. I only had a few things to pay for and I packed my groceries as they went through the scanner. I kept my cool but I shot a glance at his name badge - hm, yeah I think that was his name.

He handed me the receipt and I had to look at him to say thanks, because that's what normal people do, and when he smiled back he was looking at me for longer than one would with a customer. There was mischief in his smile too like he was saying, "I know you".

Distractions

We have been training with a few of the swimmers from the local university club for a few weeks now. Basically they are having difficulties running their own training sessions so someone invited them to join us. I had no problem with that - they are a good bunch, no attitude, train hard. There are some level 9.5 hot guys too. Like today, there was this guy who looked like he just walked out of a magazine, with mesmerising eyes, golden-brown skin, sexy lips, and the perfectly defined body - a tad more meat than underwear models (who starve themselves to show the six-pack which is not unhealthy at all).

But this is also the problem. In the beginning when I first started with this club, I thought about the possibility of getting it on with other hot swimmers. But now I just want to train properly, get better, beat my time. These eye candies (one of which is also gay as I have learnt today) are distracting me from pushing myself as hard as I can. The truth is I get distracted easily - it was a miracle I managed to get a degree from one of the most sadistic universities in the world. But how could I resist when he got a cramp and had to get out of the water to pull his ankle back (while laying on his side). Even when his hair was wet he looked like a high definition still from a Hollywood photoshoot.

I am not blaming anyone but it is starting to annoy me.

Thank you Maggie Thatcher

Michael Thatcher, the best legacy left by the Iron Lady.

How can anyone say no to that...

He is also my age - perfect!

But what is he doing in the States? Come home!

Read more about him on: Guardian and the Sun (NY)

Double agent

I try to go to church every Sunday, like a good boy. But I find myself talking back quite a bit in my head when listening to the sermon. I can no longer calm myself down in my heart to listen like I used to. My sins are heavy.

I grew up in a Christian family but I started to think about what I believed in when I was left to make my own choices at about fourteen/ fifteen. Over the years I have seen, heard and experienced enough to know that there is a god, and that the Bible holds the truth (although people often misinterpret it intentionally or unintentionally). But I don't like to talk about it - like I'm in a Christian closet. It's a protective mechanism. When I was at university there was a tall, good looking guy who was openly gay and a dedicated Christian at the same time. I heard a group of gays and gay girls talking about him once, the fact that he believed in Jesus, and decided that he was just "confused". How ironic.

There's always been tension and even hostility between the gays and churches. Fuelled by the media it seems like in most cases whoever can shout the loudest wins. With the gays gathering more and more power and support, a lot of church leaders are left with bad taste in their mouth. I don't tell anyone at church that I am gay, but I don't pretend that I'm planning on getting married and having kids either. I go to church to learn about God's message, not the pastor's own agenda.

So there you are. My double closet. I'm a double agent.

Visual vs Touch

I am drawn to guys with beard / facial hair but I love the feel of a smooth body.

Is that ok?

Goodbye, Messenger

A couple of days ago, Microsoft folded the MSN messenger service (or more correctly the Windows Live Messenger). The decision was made in November last year but I had already left a year ago when I started using a Mac. The world has moved on. But for at least eight years, that's a third of my life, I was on it everyday, even if it was just running in the background.

I had an account for all the "real" contacts and and a separate one for horny chats and hook-ups. On the naughty account I had profile pictures that were more revealing and I guess you could say attention seeking. When some guy came along on Gaydar that seemed hot (I already had a profile before I was legal) we would add each other on MSN and chat. Of course when I was a teenager it was mostly just chatting and swapping pics. But going into university I had a lot more freedom and the chance of these chats ending up in actual encounters increase exponentially.

It was still quite different before everyone was on Grindr though. Guys were more willing to chat, about everyday stuff. And you wouldn't expect the other person to agree to meet in the next ten minutes and block them if they didn't. I dug up the chat history files and I remembered what it was like. Half of the guys with a conversation history I didn't have a clue who they were anymore but the chats were amusing.

I was looking at this photo, wondering why the fuck we never shagged.

Then one of the chat histories reminded me who he was. He was an athlete and occasional sport presenter. He was a nice man. But I found out he was a lot older than when the photo was taken. That's cheating. I wasn't impressed. Anyway.

So this is the end of the MSN messenger era.

Cum meet my new neighbour

I was taking the rubbish out when I saw a few more cars than usual in the parking area. When I came back a hot guy was standing by the entrance to the block, watching a van pull up. He said hi and I said hi. Turned out he was moving into the flat on the floor above. WHAT? You mean this stunner is going to be my neighbour? Some of the flats here go through tenants pretty regularly but I have never seen anyone with above-average looks - don't get me wrong most of them are nice people but "nice" and "hot" don't usually happen at the same time.

This guy though, he had a lot of stuff. There was an older man and lady, who I assumed were his parents, helping him shift his stuff and they just kept unloading out of that van and another big car. Two double mattresses? A massive flat screen TV? Big pieces of souvenir crap people buy when they go to exotic countries and I think I saw a Samurai sword somewhere too. If his flat is the same size as mine then it probably looks like the back room of a charity shop now.

Well if he needs somewhere to sleep before he can find space on his bed, tell him I'm in number 65.

(This is the same guy but without the tight fitting jumper - phwoar...)

Starting the engine

I am sick of getting overtaken by fast cars. And to be honest, an average car has better acceleration than mine. Don't get me wrong it's goodlooking and perfectly adequate for everyday use and getting around for work. But it gives me as much excitement as a Disney film. So I'm going to get a motorbike. It will be a long journey of saving up and shit but I told myself that I needed to at least get the ball rolling this year. And I did. I have done my CBT training and got the certificate so I can now ride with L plates. Fuck yeah.

There was another young guy on the CBT course that day. He was in a blue long sleeved top with Brian, the dog from Family Guy, on it underneath his racer jacket. I thought he was pretty hot until he started talking - like a scally boy. He had a lot to say but most of it was shit. Some people find scally boy porn horny but they don't do anything for me. He was only 19 which meant even when he passed the final test he'd still be restricted on motorbike size (fortunately!). And he was already dad of a little boy. I just hope he had a proper job and wasn't living off my tax money.

Nature's best

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