Double agent

I try to go to church every Sunday, like a good boy. But I find myself talking back quite a bit in my head when listening to the sermon. I can no longer calm myself down in my heart to listen like I used to. My sins are heavy.

I grew up in a Christian family but I started to think about what I believed in when I was left to make my own choices at about fourteen/ fifteen. Over the years I have seen, heard and experienced enough to know that there is a god, and that the Bible holds the truth (although people often misinterpret it intentionally or unintentionally). But I don't like to talk about it - like I'm in a Christian closet. It's a protective mechanism. When I was at university there was a tall, good looking guy who was openly gay and a dedicated Christian at the same time. I heard a group of gays and gay girls talking about him once, the fact that he believed in Jesus, and decided that he was just "confused". How ironic.

There's always been tension and even hostility between the gays and churches. Fuelled by the media it seems like in most cases whoever can shout the loudest wins. With the gays gathering more and more power and support, a lot of church leaders are left with bad taste in their mouth. I don't tell anyone at church that I am gay, but I don't pretend that I'm planning on getting married and having kids either. I go to church to learn about God's message, not the pastor's own agenda.

So there you are. My double closet. I'm a double agent.